you are all fucked and overrated, i think i'm gonna be sick and it's your fault.

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Saturday, November 26th, 2005
10:31 pm
memories of my past sting through my brain every night and i wake up with echoes

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Friday, October 7th, 2005
11:10 pm - i like this time of year
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10:58 pm
changes grow as larvae inside
feeling big feeling bright
leaves of trees shifting color above my head
dormant emotion harbored life

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Sunday, April 10th, 2005
7:09 am - I am the torture and the struggle that is CONTROL
i need to think about the way the world operates when I am fucked up.
as others probably do, i can always find answers to everything.
i hate my inner battle to find myself, and know that in the end I will but i want it now.
Like i am still a child.
I struggle for the knowledge unreachable to anybody else.
I'm sorry to the people who I judge harshly, look down upon or argue with.
It is purely fed by my human need to be right.

Logic is anti-art.

I need people who care about me to remind me who I am because sometimes the illusion drugs give my life happens again tomorrow. As an artist i feel like my battle living is my creative way of showing the battle of being human.

i need to know i am right, based on the human need to feel balance

i hate that

it just proves that mentally, we cannot accept an end

i will better explain it one day, when i can stop being such a victim

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
3:39 am
today i finished writing a story. if ever put on film and released for the masses for visual consumption, i really do think it will infect enough for them to change into what they need to become. "the nothing" from the neverending story comes to mind when i think of the mental shift that the moral of my story provides. these thoughts fuel me to continue to create.

current mood: weird

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Friday, August 13th, 2004
3:28 pm
I seen "the Village" last night. I didn't really like it. It went really slow. I feel alot better latley. I have to try and keep myself occupied so that my mind doesn't wander and want to get high again.

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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
5:47 pm
5:50 PM -- I woke up at 3. I drank White Russians last night in order to go to sleep. I went through a pint of Vodka, and fell asleep at 4:30 am. I feel jittery. I hate it.

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Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
11:48 pm
11:50 PM -- I spent hours playing Manhunt for PS2, killing the people in the game. Then I left my house for the first time today. I drove around aimlessly listening to music and decided I really like the new "Senses Fail" CD. I feel really weird and slaphappy. I smoked my fifth ciggarette today while driving and somehow while turning the wheel- smashed my ciggarette into my left leg and had hots all over my pants. I was laughing and some girls who were next to me seen me. ...or my music was too loud. I know I should eat but I can't. I can barely smoke without dry-heaving. My eyes feel really weird. The feeling you get when you havn't slept in a couple of days. I feel so slap happy that the thought of being married to Jessica Simpson amuses me. I have to keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end.

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6:58 pm
7:00 PM -- I don't feel that bad. I ate some donuts when I woke up. I have no appettite. My skin feels really hot, and I'm beginning to feel very uncomfortable. Watching "Carlitos Way" has been the most entertaining thing I've done today so far.

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2:43 am
2:45 AM -- after an hour and a half of driving around to different houses i know of, i finally got 2 packs.
i sniffed them and got home. so tomorrow it will begin. it's not that i permenantly want to quit getting fucked up, i just need to stop doing so much. the goals are:

1. STOP doing heroin
2. cut down on Vicodons, so i can enjoy them on the weekends.
3. cut down on Morphine, so they can be used only on ocassion.
4. STOP sniffing oxycontins. only use 2-3 X per month, orally.
6. STOP smoking
7. after completing thiese goals, quiting will be easier when I'm not addicted, because I will only be using recreationally.

i think that if i log how i feel throughout this entire 3 day process, it will be helpful for me to read in the end and encourage me to continue a more healthy lifestyle.
i have not gone an entire day without taking any drugs in legitamatley 6 months, and it was because theyWERE no drugs and so I got sick that day. Before that day it had been about a year. So yeah, for over a year I have been consuming alot of drugs everday. I make $500 a week, and on average $350 a week is spent on a combination of Vicodons, Heroin, Oxycontins and Morphine. I need to STOP. My dad wonders where all my money goes. I bought a nice car a month ago and told him of all my plans to pimp it out and I've done nothing, he seen my bank statement and seen that I've been lying about me saving up money. So he wonders where I spend $500 a week. I need to quit spending so much on drugs before he figures this all out. So really this is all not only for me, but for him too. I just feel bad for all my dealers.

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Monday, August 9th, 2004
3:37 pm
the smell of ciggarettes linger in the air
that night old stench that slowly stales
i awake three times a morning
once from each dream
dreams of love and wreckage
i never truly awake from
doctor visits torment my weekly planner
always delaying the inevitable
leaving blood in the bathroom each visit
refusing to look into the mirror
cutting my own hair, just the back
sitting alone, drawing pictures
entertaining myself every way i know possible
ways i did as a child
playing with toys and finger painting
my dogs liscence tag hangs upon my keychain
constantly being reminded of the past
looking into my hands starring at small white ovals
ovals that taste bitter in my mouth
before becoming part of me for a short amount hours
an act that has become ritual
bringing folds of paper to my face...
to inhale the contents within
reading comic books and remembering how i felt the first time
putting everything in a small box and hiding it away
for the last time

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Thursday, July 29th, 2004
5:07 pm
i spend alot of time at home lately. which is weird. i remember when i would only use socially. i guess my freinds cant keep up anymore. i don't want them to know. its funny when my closest freinds don't even know the real me anymore. it's even funnier that i don't really either. alot of people liked him. i think. i don't think it's possible for a person to change back to somebody they used to be when they were younger. i'm older now and i guess i can't be the aaron i was 3 years ago.

i can't even believe its been 3 years now.
it makes me wonder.
i feel like i have become the cycle. i must have because i don't see the cycle anymore. i used to be able to see so many things. i think i was smarter when i was younger. i wish i was 20 once again.

i spend alot of time lately just thinking about the past. it's like i'm testing my mind to see if i can still remember each second. and i can. i can remember it all quite vividly..... until around 2000, thats when things get fuzzy.

it makes me wonder how this can be happening

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Friday, June 25th, 2004
2:59 pm
summer entry. i do not want my LJ account deleted??

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Sunday, May 16th, 2004
10:09 pm - go see the Punisher movie
she thinks she missed the train to mars, shes out back counting stars

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Sunday, March 7th, 2004
5:27 am
This is fucked up:

My sister's boyfreind, Chris is about to file assault charges on me for kicking his ass. I went and kicked his ass because he smacked my sister, and after she punched him, he choked her. I just don't understand. He knew that I would do what I did if he did what he did. To press charges about it just makes him more of a pussy.

I'm aggrivated

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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
5:20 pm
I had a dream that I met Kate Todd at a party. I saved her from these weird pycho-fan kids and I drove her away in my car. I thought that she would be offended that my car had no mirrors, but she liked the car. Her and I became friends. She said, "Aaron, don't be so serious. I like you rough around the edges."

Man. :( I would be a better person if her and I were friends in real life.

I am going to make it a personal goal to write a movie specifically so she can be casted as the lead role.

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Monday, February 2nd, 2004
6:31 am
it's not that I'm a born leader.
I am just the only one paying attention when the red light turns green.

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Friday, January 9th, 2004
3:01 am
the burden of feeling
the taste of the wind of fall
the desire to love innocence
the lust for the wicked
the feelings I feel
the ugliness I see in the mirror
the unwantedness girls make me feel
my solution of becoming numb
I see in the mirror the drugs I have become
and the numb that i love

even though i struggle to have a girl next to me
its good to have the drugs protect me

all from the feelings

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Monday, December 29th, 2003
1:13 am
Holy shit. Its hard to believe the year is almost over. So many changes must be made now, with the coming of 2004. My classes at Macomb will begin again after my year off of school. I'm actually kind of excited. I've filtered out my freinds a bit lately and have been on the search for some more exciting ones. Prefferably, people who have the same passions and interests as me. Thats what's cool about school. Once again I can stand outside and smoke, and have the college girls use their clever, "Do you have a lighter?" ground breaking pickup line that seems they all like to use on me. Will this be a successful path on their end. Perhaps. I am looking for somebody, so perhaps she will come along soon. It has been a long time since I've been with somebody. SHIT..... over 2 years. Most people I know can't even last 2 months. HMPH, I'll see what fate has decided to deal for me this year of 2004.

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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
5:05 am
.... christmas. i wish i was santa

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